Marriage is vastly different after children. Now, rather than being able to easily go out for date nights or sleep in until your natural wake time, you are now a part of a 24-hour care-giving team. The times you used to be able to just go out because you wanted to be out together are scarce.
The talks shift from what restaurant to go to next to what to make for dinner tomorrow. You’re now folding laundry together instead of gazing into each other’s eyes. You’re getting tired way before you used to and you often fall asleep in the middle of a Netflix show.
Sound familiar?
Marriage after children doesn’t have to mean the end of the spark that once burned between you and your spouse. It will just require a little extra intention on your part.
Here are five ways to restore romance, excitement, and connection in your marriage after having kids.
1. Bring Back Date Nights (Even If They’re at Home)
I get that we used to go out just because we wanted to but now are struggling to find time to go out for a date night!
After kids it is often hard to find time and money for dates. Cost of babysitting for other kids, your own hectic schedule and exhaustion of daily parenting tasks can all contribute to an absence of romantic dates.
But date night doesn’t have to mean an expensive restaurant.
One of my favorite memories was ordering takeout from our favorite restaurant and having dinner together at the kitchen table. I would fold the kids up in bed and my husband and I would sit at the kitchen table and eat our favorite foods. We didn’t watch TV or have our phones out. We simply talked and enjoyed each other’s company. We actually talked about things other than who was to clean the bathrooms!
We actually had a conversation that didn’t involve the kids!
Set up a regular date night. Cook a special meal, play a board game or roll out a tidy smorgasbord of snacks to watch a favorite movie together. Just the two of you, no TVs or phones around, and nothing to discuss but the two of you. Maybe even try to make it to Friday night dinner every week, without fail.
It does not have to be a fancy night out. Simply set aside time to each other.
2. Surprise Your Spouse With a Boudoir Photo Shoot
Surprise Your Spouse With a Boudoir Photo Shoot — Yes, This is a Mom Thing To Do.
Yes, after having children we can find it hard to remember the time we were a confident, attractive young person before we had children. As we get older our body shape changes. We find we have less time for personal interests, hobbies and looking after ourselves and we can find that before we know it we are not feeling very attractive and we are not dressing up any more.
But that is what a boudoir photo shoot can be – a romantic surprise to recall fond memories and bring back that spark to your marriage.
This can be gifted to your husband as a private collection of images on your anniversary, on Valentine’s Day or another occasion of your choice.
You can keep clothing simple such as a cozy oversized sweater, a pretty dress or your own favorite lingerie. Whatever makes you feel beautiful and confident.
This idea is so much more than surprising your partner. Completing a boudoir photo shoot can help you get back to feeling good about yourself.
Choose the photographer you trust, discuss your privacy concerns before the shoot and remember that you have control over what you want to share or not. When I lived in Orlando, I hired Boudoir Noire and I loved how my photos came out.
Creating a spark in your marriage after having kids can start with how you see yourself. The first step to getting your groove back is to feel good about yourself.
3. Flirt Like You Did Before Kids
Have you sent any flirty texts lately? (Not to be confused with texts about picking up milk at the grocery store).
It’s easy for romantic text messages to get translated into grocery lists once kids arrive.
Flirting is also key to romantic encounters and doesn’t have to cease when you become parents!
Simple gestures such as sending a sweet text message during the day, leaving a love note in his car, or even just giving him a long slow kiss before he leaves for work instead of a quick peck on the cheek can bring so much joy and make him feel so special.
This was one of the ways that I flirted with my husband while he was at work one afternoon. I simply sent him a playful message. His response brought a smile to my face the rest of the day.
Small moments like these can be surprisingly powerful.
Don’t underestimate the power of your spouse feeling wanted by you!
4. Find Time to Be Together Without the Kids
I have four very little ones, so this can be really hard for me to organize and plan around. I have to get my husband to take the kids and sometimes we trade babysitting with another family. This has to be planned well in advance though!
And even though you are now Mom and Dad to your children, it is so important to have time together as a couple!
Ask grandparents, etc. to watch the kids for a few hours. Trade babysitting nights with another family. Try to plan an occasional overnight get-away. Even a short walk around the block can be really nice after a long period of time together.
Taking a short walk around the block together can be so rejuvenating even if someone has to watch the kids.
One of the strangest things that we did as a newlywed couple was our first date after the birth of our first child. It felt so bizarre. For the first 20 minutes of our date we talked about our kids. Finally we remembered that we were 2 adults and could talk about something else. Eventually we were even laughing and having jokes. It was so nice to feel like the 2 of us again.
Eventually, we laughed again and we even had some jokie moments!
Even though we are two parents of young children, we can still be two people in love.
5. Don’t Forget the Little Things
Despite the occasional romantic attempt, a healthy marriage can be built by a number of very simple actions.
Make your spouse coffee in the morning. Hold hands while watching TV together. Tell your spouse that they look great when they go out. Express gratitude for things that your spouse does for you.
One evening when I was utterly exhausted from a long day of care with the children my husband had put the kids to bed and cleaned up the kitchen to a spot of perfection. No flowers or dinner needed, just appreciation for all that he did that day.
Appreciation and support can be as romantic as flowers and candles!
Even when you’re tired notice the things your spouse does to help the household and give him/her thanks for all that he/she does for you. Show your spouse you care even when it’s the littlest things.
Your Marriage Still Deserves Attention
I know that it is easy to get wrapped up in the midst of the parenting of your children and to let your relationship with your spouse fall by the wayside.
Good news for newly-parenthood couples: It doesn’t have to cost a lot of time, money or effort to keep the spark alive.
You can keep your marriage alive with so much going on by working to keep the spark of life in your relationship with each other by simple gestures of shared laughter, of expressions of love and of choosing each other every day.
Your kids are important, but your marriage is important too.
Showing your husband some affection, even in simple ways, and flirting with him can be good ways to keep the spark in your marriage. Have an unexpected date night, or remind him of ways in which you are still two people together.
Because a happy family starts with two happy parents!