Let’s face it. Marriage changes after having children. In the past, before the kids arrived, you could easily fit in a date night here and there. You could sleep in as long as you wanted, whenever you wanted. You could do whatever you liked and go wherever you wanted, to do whatever you wanted to do. Often, you could just go out for the sake of going out and spending some quality time together.
However, after the birth of children the marriage changes. Instead of nights of romantic date, the couple now folds laundry together, discusses what to make for dinner the next day and falls asleep in the middle of a movie on Netflix.
Sound familiar?
However, just because you have children doesn’t mean that you have to let your marriage die. It will require a little more work but it can be so worth it!
Here are 5 ways to restore romance, excitement and even connection in your marriage and home after the arrival of your children.
1. Bring Back Date Nights (Even If They’re at Home)
Date nights are supposed to be a time when you get to go out and have fun together as a couple. Remember when you got all dressed up to go out on the town just because you wanted to?
That means to go out can cost a lot, especially for a babysitter, so some nights it would be better to stay home and have an easy dinner.
Just because the kids are around doesn’t mean you have to have an expensive night out on the town.
After the kids go to bed, we often spend our time around here ordering our favorite take-out and having dinner at the kitchen table. Of course we can switch it up and eat on the couch while watching TV, but usually we just end up talking about how we can divide up the cleaning of the bathroom (yeah, that’s a real thing we worry about around here).
We talked while the kids were asleep and did not at any time refer to who had to clean the bathroom.
You can make date night wherever you are and even on the few nights you have to be at home. In our family we designate Friday night to be our couple night. We order in our favorite take-out, we play a board game or even just watch a movie that we both want to see and we each pick our favorite snack.
Making time for each other is the key to having a romantic evening.
2. Surprise Your Spouse With a Boudoir Photo Shoot
This one might sound a little unusual, but play along.
After you have had children, many women struggle to come to terms with their new bodies and a new set of priorities. Often women forget that they are still a very sexy person and need to rediscover this for themselves.
It can be really empowering to discover a new sense of confidence too. And a boudoir photo shoot makes for a really great and romantic date to take your husband on for your anniversary or on Valentine’s Day.
Imagine you could surprise your husband with a photo album full of beautiful images of himself and his lover on your anniversary or on Valentine’s Day.
You can wear as little as you want, from oversized sweaters to lovely dresses or beautiful lingerie – or whatever makes you feel great!
This idea is so much more than just a romantic gesture to me. It is also about something that is so important to remember as a wife – to do things that make you feel beautiful and help you remember that you are a beautiful, confident wife.
Remember, you choose what to share. Work with a photographer you trust. Discuss privacy beforehand and remember that you choose what to share. The goal of a boudoir photo shoot is to help you feel better about yourself and to bring back some spark in your relationship.
Rekindling the spark can often start with returning to feeling good in one’s own skin.
3. Flirt Like You Did Before Kids
Why have you last sent such romantic messages to your husband?
Romantic messages get lost in a flurry of reminders about picking up milk.
The lack of flirting, however, does not have to be a casualty of children.
Leave love notes for your husband to find in his lunchbox, in his briefcase or on his car windshield. Give him a long, lingering good bye kiss before you leave for work instead of rushing off to start your day.
I had done something simple – sent a text to my husband to say that I was thinking of him during the day. The response from him had made me smile for the rest of the day.
Those small acts of thoughtfulness can bring a lot of joy.
Don’t underestimate the value of making your partner feel wanted.
4. Find Time to Be Together Without the Kids
These same little ones will also be the biggest barriers to time together and may even follow you into the other room, like the bathroom, to continue needing Mom and/or Dad.
Time to get back to each other!
Asking the grandparents to watch the kids for a few hours, swapping babysitting nights with another family or planning the occasional overnight getaway can help to make time for each other. Just going for a walk around the block while someone else looks after the children can provide a welcome break and help to rekindle your romantic relationship.
The simple act of going for a walk can give the two of you some quality time, even if someone is to look after the children.
It was really strange to leave the kids with the grandparents the first time we went out and after twenty minutes of talking about the kids I finally remembered that there were two other adults in the room and we could talk about something else.
Eventually, we began laughing again and were our usual joking selves.
Being able to remember that we are two different people, and still fall in love, while we are busy with all the parenting, was a very funny moment, too.
5. Don’t Forget the Little Things
Little things to remember: These are not required to be big romantic gestures. Any type of gesture is good if it is noticed and remembered positively by the other spouse.
Making your spouse coffee in the morning, holding their hand while watching TV together, telling your spouse that they look great when they go out and even saying thank you to your spouse for something that they normally do for you every day.
One evening after an endless day of the kids’ bed time and me cleaning up after dinner my husband had dealt with the kids and then also put away all the remains of dinner in the kitchen. I had not even asked him to.
Appreciation and support can be just as romantic as a candlelit dinner and flowers.
Notice the good things your spouse does, and show your appreciation even when you’re exhausted.
Your Marriage Still Deserves Attention
Life is changing. You and your partner are both parents to small children and you’re doing your best to keep the household together. Your relationship is important but it takes a backseat to the demands of raising a small family of children.
Good news here: keeping some spark in your relationship does not have to cost a lot of time or money or even involve long complicated plans.
It takes small things. Shared laughter. Affection. The effort of choosing each other day after day.
Your children are a part of your family, but so is your marriage.
And all it takes to remember that you are two people beyond mom and dad to each other is a little flirtation, a rare date night or a reminder of all the things that you love about each other.
A Happy Family starts with two happy parents.
If you feel like your marriage just won’t make it through the hard times, check out this blog for helpful divorce tips: Empowered Divorcee.