We have all been there. You have asked your child to put their toys and games away on three occasions. They are ignoring you and seem to be oblivious to your requests. You start to ask them to put their things away on a slightly higher volume. Eventually you are literally standing over a pile of plastic dinosaurs and row upon row of sugary sugested foods yelling at your child to put them away.
Then comes the guilt.
The role of a parent to discipline their children can sometimes test the calmest of people, and there are times when children test the patience of even the most harmonious of families and argue with them and refuse to do as asked and often appear to be doing the complete opposite of what is requested of them.
Being firm does not have to mean being angry or other than loving. You can be both disciplinary and kind.
Here are 3 simple ways that you can set boundaries and keep the peace with your kids.
1. Get Down to Their Level
Are your kids absolutely absorbed in cartoons right now? Are you unable to get their attention even though you have been repeating yourself five times?
Talking to children while they are engrossed in cartoons and of different ages can be challenging. Shouting from across the room does not get children’s attention. Go down to their level, speak to them in a gentle tone, and make sure they can see your face.
For example, you could say to your child, “It’s time to turn off the TV and get ready for dinner.”
Keep your voice calm and your words simple.
Even if the change isn’t immediate for your child being close helps him or her to hear you and understand what you are asking.
Communication is sometimes enough to solve problems.
2. Give Choices Instead of Orders
Many children feel that they have little control over their lives. Giving them choices within boundaries can help to minimize many power struggles.
Morning in our house – the day begins at 7.30am and usually my child wants to stay up and watch more cartoons. It’s not long before he resists putting on his clothes.
Instead of saying, “You need to put your clothes on right now!”, ask them if they would like to wear their blue shirt or their green one.
Both options will end up with your child putting on clothes. The choices that you offer your child should be ones that you can agree to.
This works for other everyday situations, too.
“Would you like to brush your teeth before we put you to bed or after we put you to bed?”
Of course, you must be sure to offer choices that you intend to choose. Just because you are offering choices does not mean that you have to let your child choose bedtime.
3. Stay Calm When They’re Upset
A great example of this was the other day when we were leaving the playground and my child threw themselves on the ground saying he wanted to stay for 5 more minutes.
Many people are watching your child’s behavior at the playground. You are tired and have somewhere to be.
It’s tempting to raise your voice.
The child is already stressed, so he won’t calm down when you get stressed too and start yelling.
Take a breath and acknowledge their feelings.
“Your are very upset tonight, because you wanted to stay out at play. But we did have a very good time, and we must now go home.”
No.
Just remember being calm doesn’t mean being permissive. Feeling sad, frustrated, upset, angry or un pleased with a situation is hard to deal with. Modeling for children that they can feel upset but still deal with the situation is one of the greatest lessons we can teach them.
4. Be Clear About Your Rules
Children need clear rules and boundaries to know what is expected of them.
The sofa is for sitting. If you want to jump, you can jump on the floor.
A simple way to state a rule is “The sofa is for sitting. If you want to jump, you can jump on the floor.”
This helps children to have clear boundaries but also to have choices.
We don’t need twenty household rules. A few simple rules that are consistently applied are better.
When children know the household rules, this will help to decrease the number of arguments as children know what is expected of them.
5. Use Consequences That Make Sense
Discipline should help children learn from mistakes, not be so ashamed of them that they are too frightened to try again.
Your child throws their crayons across the room in anger.
So when your child throws their crayons in a temper, threaten to cancel their planned outing for the following weekend. No, this is less than helpful.
“Ok, so when you throw your crayons you get to pick them up and we try again another time in a different way.”
The consequence is connected to what happened.
Small moments like these teach your child responsibility for mistakes like spills while playing at the table.
Children can learn responsibility for mistakes in small ways.
Children learn from mistakes made by them when they are dealt with in a way that helps them to understand what has happened and how they can deal with similar situations in the future.
6. Notice When They’re Doing Things Right
Behaviors of misbehavior are easily noticed by parents & children alike. Even children as young as 2-3 years old realize the negative behaviors listed on the left receive way more of our attention than the good behaviors on the right.
But what about the moments when children cooperate?
Your child shares a toy without being asked to.
Notice it.
“Thanks for putting your shoes away, that really helped me.”
You don’t need to celebrate every little action with rewards or gifts.
Appreciate efforts to do things right!
Children who are noticed for good behavior often aren’t looking for ways to get attention for misbehavior.
7. Apologize When You Lose Your Temper
No parent stays calm all the time.
You might have the occasional outburst of anger on an especially worn-out day. But that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
What matters is what happens afterward.
After the incident has occurred it is OK to say “I’m sorry that I lost it earlier today. I was very frustrated and should have spoken with you in a calmer manner”.
Even though the child’s behavior was unacceptable, you can still say that behavior was unacceptable.
Apologizing for your loses does not mean you have lost control of your children. It shows children that adults make mistakes but are able to regret their behavior and try to do better.
This is a valuable lesson that children can apply to future relationships.
Final Thoughts: Firm Boundaries Can Still Feel Loving
Positive discipline does not mean letting the child do whatever he wants. It means full respect for the child and his development in the sense of learning behavior.
Some days your child will listen the first time you ask him to do something. Other days you will be exhausted by the end of the day and have reiterated the same rule many times.
That’s part of parenting.
Start with one thing: speak more calmly, offer a choice, or explain the reason for a particular rule or requirement instead of threatening consequences.
As your child is not going to get it right all the time, why should you?
With patience, love and consistency children can develop into well rounded individuals who understand boundaries but are also willing to take risks and make mistakes in a safe environment.
Children don’t need perfect parents. Children need parents who teach them, who listen to them and who do their best in all circumstances.